Supraintellectual – experimenter’s attention to detail and likelyhood w/ a dash of intuition to round teleological corners

Emotive – embodied embeddedness

Whole – supraintellectually emotive


in defining self

atoms through galaxies

don’t abide, however

deeper into energy and wider out matter

living between the two

nibbling rounder pis

pulling them together

a self-similar pattern

melting (ti) through (me)

pushing them apart

‘ward radiating

time to self

some thing or an other

“Do you play poker?”

“I’m doing what I do when I play poker, right now.”

blah blah “… teach it to me”.

“Teach this to you?  Why?  No one taught it to me.  Why would you want to learn it?  It can’t be learned or taught.  Maybe it has to be found.

blah blah, starts doing some oddly hypnotic hand waving by bending the tips of the fingers, then the knuckles, then the wrist, back and forth, side to side, rhythmically.  Then sort of thrusts w/ elbows + shoulders + waist + knees + ankles + feet + spine —

“When’d you learn that?”

“I’ve never done it before.  Here.  I’m actually showing you my technique right now as that’s all that’s possible.  I do whatever-the-hell-I-want.  And it turns out that wone of the things I always keep wanting to do, and doing, is refining the outpouring of whatever-the-hell-it-is in something approaching real-time.  This way to best cast-off from wherever-I-am and leap from stone to log over fog rivers.”



A Future Dialog

Dog Growls.

Man: “I don’t want that sort of expression around me.  I appreciate free speech, but keep the aggression to yourself.”

Dog hems and haws plaintively.

Man: “Look, I know you just recently stepped out of the woods, yourself, by invitation, due to we human’s originally prizing, shall we say, your less indirect talents.  Nevertheless, with your shorter generation span and your particular breed’s focus on docility, I expect more out of you.  Or, more accurately, less.”

Dog lays head on paws resignedly.

Man: “Your restraint does you even more good than it does me.  Remember that next time you hunt dinner in the holograph room.”

Hello Mr. Pinocchio Geppetto

When we both find ourselves to be half-wooden (personal tensions and immaturity) and the world to be half-wooden (ourselves to be more alive than other individuals and institutions) than we my-as-well be Mr. Pinocchio Geppetto, tasked with animating the inanimate in ourselves and the world.

Stroking the Ego

“You probably have the advantage.  It’s been years since my secret training with the Grandmaster.”  I drawled in my head to the bogey-man my 33 year old mind conjured for me to beat up like a practice dummy.   I’m a confident person and I have no doubt the tens of thousands of bozos I’ve routed over the years have something to do with it.  They come out of the woodwork in troves sometimes – always to fall to my superior strategy.  It’s been satisfying work.  And I suppose, in a roundabout way, the world is a better place for it since I’m better off for it and I’m a part of the world.

The aggressor looked wary.  It was dawning on him that the easy target he’d thought he’d found was in fact an unknown quantity: the guy could be bullshitting, but damn those eyes were unnerving.  And then there was the heavy way he stood there completely relaxed.  In fact, the guy had seemed to sink into relaxation as a response to things heating up.  “You don’t want to mess with me, man!” He growled, finally.

What to do here?  This particular aggressor is proving himself to be quite boring.  I can’t simply break his neck – he’s not powerful enough to justify that sort of a response.  I’m going to have to educate him.   “You were the one messing with me, don’t you remember?”  I asked in an infuriatingly soothing voice.

“Don’t contradict me!”  He yelled.

I remember someone saying those words to me when I was a child.  It made me mad and sad back then because I had been right.  I knew it.  And, in truth, I had been right.  Pumpkins are green before they’re orange.  I disliked the injustice of it – that instead of learning something from a child an adult had to resort to authority to shut me up.  Often the slights I’ve received in RL are uttered incongruously by the thugs in my natural VR.  “There!  You’re doing it again.”  I said pointing to a place between us to egg him into my space.

It worked!  He sprang into action through a fog of telegraphed intent to smash the left side of my face in with a right hook.  I moved forward into where the punch would be coming from and then like a Ptolemaic planet supported by hips that were actually going elsewhere, I swerved out of the collision path just as his fist flew through.  Because of the positions and directions of our legs this put my opponent in an awkward position.  He was pointed and heading further off in an opposite direction to me – and unbalanced – whereas I was slipping smoothly over the ground directly into his axis of balance.  Should I push him?  Through the wall?  No, I’ll take him to the ground – a little nerve pressure should put him back in the right mindset.

I stepped on his right foot while I snaked my hand up his torso until the two points of my thumb and 4 fingers reached the sides of his neck beyond his lymph nodes and I pushed slightly upwards feeling around for some squiggly bundles – the widening of his eyes confirmed what my fingers were telling me.  Here they are.  Into the sky just like an uppercut, arcing backwards like Brad Pitt in Snatch but stuck to the ground – I pulled back from the nerves and slid my hand back down to semi-push-punch the gut to round the back out as it came in contact with the floor while also cupping the head and putting my foot underneath to prevent a jarring impact to the brain.  The rest he’d have to figure out on his own – but the pressure I applied to his gut had caused him to exhale, which would be the trail he’d have to follow to controlling his impact.

He was flailing his arms.  I kept his closest elbow under control with my neck and shoulder while I turned him onto his side to pin his other arm behind his back with my knee and then all the way onto his stomach with his elbows pressing together behind him in pregnant pain.  What to say to this moron?  Did I even care, anymore?  There was nothing I could say that would save him.  Only hard work and dedication on his part could do anything for him, and that requires a value to be held firm in the heart.  How does one go about ensconcing something like that?

I decided to leave him there and I walked away.  Perhaps his encounter with something so much bigger than himself could have an impact.  Otherwise, for that one, nothing.

I have nothing more to indicate to these these projections of my shadow-insecurity mutated through fear’s mechanisms into Yoda’s hatred and suffering, except: “Enough.  I get it.”

Transcribing the Journals

I’ve begun to transcribe the massive amount of journals that I have.  I’m still working on the user interface, and frankly, I’m sick of that for a while, but I wanted to move forward anyway, so I began transcribing it in my IDE itself.  But wow, it is a lot of work.  I did just a few pages of one notebook and my arms were RSI-falling off.  I’m going to have to utilize the Mechanical Turk – I’ve already begun planning a workflow in my mind.  I wonder how much it will cost to get some 20,000 pages transcribed and double-checked?

In any case, for now here is an example I typed out from the very first journal I started writing when I was 17.  The journal is down below embedded in quotation marks – the stuff above is the code that organizes the journal entries by tagging them and saving it all to a database.  Obviously, WordPress is a crappy place to paste code, so for anyone who’s interested, I recommend copying and pasting into something else, preferably something that is c# aware, like Notepad++ (and for the observant, yes, there is code missing, this is just to give an idea of what the “API” is like to use [an API developed and used for one night, so it’s not necessarily refined either, just functional]):

using System;
using System.Collections.Generic;
using System.Linq;
using System.Text;
using System.Threading.Tasks;

using Jem.Core;
using Jem.Sutrapp;
using Jem.Sutrapp.Dtos;
using Jem.Sutrapp.Model;
using Jem.Sutrapp.Model.Controllers;
using Jem.Sutrapp.Model.Services;

namespace Jem.Sutrapp.Scratchpad {
         public class JournalSession {
                 public Guid UserId { get; set; }
                 public Guid JournalId { get; set; }
                 public string SessionDate { get; set; }
                 public bool IsApproximate { get; set; }
                 public PositionSeed Position { get; set; }
                 public string Name { get; set; }
                 public PrivacyLevel PrivacyLevel { get; set; }

                 public Content SessionContent { get; set; }
                 List<Guid> SessionEntries = new List<Guid>();

                  public JournalSession(Guid userId, Guid journalId, string sessionDate, bool isApproximate, PositionSeed position, string name, PrivacyLevel privacyLevel = PrivacyLevel.Public) {
                          UserId = userId;
                          JournalId = journalId;
                          Position = position;
                          Session(sessionDate, name, privacyLevel, isApproximate);
                  public JournalSession Session(string sessionDate, string name = null, PrivacyLevel privacyLevel = PrivacyLevel.Public, bool isApproximate = false) {
                          using (var controller = new ContentController()) {
                                   Name = name;
                                   PrivacyLevel = privacyLevel;
                                   SessionDate = sessionDate;
                                   IsApproximate = isApproximate;
                                   var session = controller.CreateContent(UserId, Name, "", "", PrivacyLevel, "journal session");
                                   session.Tagit("date", UserId, SessionDate, controller.MyDc);
                                   session.Tagit("is date approximate?", UserId, IsApproximate.ToYesNoString(), controller.MyDc);
                                   SessionContent = session;
                                   return this;
                  public JournalSession Entry(string fullText, PrivacyLevel privacyLevel = PrivacyLevel.Public) {
                          using (var controller = new ContentController()) {
                                   var entry = controller.CreateContent(UserId, "", fullText, "", privacyLevel, "journal entry");
                                   entry.Tagit("date", UserId, SessionDate, controller.MyDc);
                                   entry.Tagit("is date approximate?", UserId, IsApproximate.ToYesNoString(), controller.MyDc);
                                   entry.Tagit("position", UserId, Position.ToString(), controller.MyDc);
                                   entry.Tagit("session", UserId, SessionContent.ContentId.ToString(), controller.MyDc);
                                   return this;
                  public JournalSession Comment(string commentText, string dateOfComment, bool isApproximate = false, PrivacyLevel privacyLevel = PrivacyLevel.Public, Guid? userId = null) {
                          var lastEntryId = SessionEntries.Last();
                          using (var controller = new ContentController()) {
                                   var comment = controller.CreateContent(userId ?? UserId, "", commentText, "", privacyLevel, "journal entry comment");
                                   comment.Tagit("date", UserId, dateOfComment, controller.MyDc);
                                   comment.Tagit("is date approximate?", UserId, isApproximate.ToYesNoString(), controller.MyDc);
                                   return this;
         public class PositionSeed {
                 public int Position { get; set; }
                 public PositionSeed(int seed) {
                          Position = seed;
         public class Journal1 : JournalBase {
                 public Journal1(Guid userId) {
                          UserId = userId;
                 public void CreateJournal() {
                          JournalId = CreateJournal(UserId, "2/17/1999", "9/14/1999", false, "Journal 1", PrivacyLevel.Public);
                          var positionSeed = new PositionSeed(1);
                          new JournalSession(UserId, JournalId, "2/17/1999", false, positionSeed, "")
                                   .Entry("[...missing pages 2-3]Is it possible to die without your knowing it?  Since death is simply the end of conscious (unconscious too?) thought which is caused by the ceasing of electrical impulses being created and whatnot (I don't understand these processes).  Can you die, these electrical impulses be disrupted before (they)? realize what is happening?  Can you know when you are about to die and can you inwardly trace your death?  Can you feel your hearing go, your sight leave you, etc...  Or does consciousness go first then maybe senses then unconsciousness or opposite on those last two?")
                                            .Comment("Is consciousness created through the assimilation of data obtained by these 'senses'?", "3/24/99")
                                   .Entry("I am quite sick of writing in this thing tonite and only wrote in it so I would know that I was sick of writing in it later.  I almost didn't add this tonight.")
                                   .Entry("A certain amount of disorder is necessary for each person.  The level varies from person to person.  Any perfect (without disorder or below that level for each person) requires that person to tumble, not only in the physical \"room\" sense, but also in the psychological \"mind\" sense.  Everybody has a certain level of self-destructiveness.  I have physics due tomorrow that I haven't started.")
                                   .Entry("Does that mean we all have a part (albeit small for some) in our deaths?  I am very disordered.")
                                   .Entry("Can we change that disorder level?")
                                   .Entry("What is society?  Seems ants and humans have it.  They aren't conscious, we are headed for disorder through our intelligence.")
                          .Session("3/16/1999", "**************", PrivacyLevel.Private)
                                   .Entry("*******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************", PrivacyLevel.Private)
                                   .Entry("There seems to be two main callings in life, Money, Personal Satisfaction (helping others, helping yourself)... Getting Stuff (Money)")
                                   .Entry("BEING HAPPY")
                                   .Entry("Happiness is essentially caused by these things.  What is happiness?  Some chemials (hormones, chemical reactions) in my body that do stuff... How do these chemicals efect my consciousness?  Feelings... All chemicals... How do they effect my consciousness?  Our consciousness is caused by other chemical reactions... interactions... whatnot... are feelings comingled with consciousness,. or are they something completely different?")
                                   .Entry("What is the point, I ASK YOU?  Where does this intense feeling to conform come from?  Why do I want a house, wife, kids, dog?  WHY?  All these things will bring me happiness, comfort, security... _All feelings_... How?  Why do I like them?  LIKE?  WHAT IS IT?  If you like something that means if given the chance to go back in time and change what you did, you probably wouldn't.")
                                   .Entry("How can we assume an alien race would be anything like us?  They will most likely \"like\" completely different things.  Things... what are they?")
                                   .Entry("I was thinking a minute ago that our interpretations of things are what make us \"sane\".  That a desk is a desk whether or not we interpret it to be a desk.  If no humans existed to see the desk, to realize the desk, it would still, universally, scientifically (our own reality based on our axioms, logic), be a form of matter that, if humans were to exist again, could be recognized as a desk.  But is this true?  Since to say this is true relies on science, and science is something that we created.  Something that was borne of our minds, our consciousness.  OUR WAY OF SEEING THINGS.")
                                   .Entry("ANOTHER thing is __time__.  What the fuck is it?  How do we interpret it?  This simple fundamental thing governs our entire lives.  What if, universally speaking the human way of interpretting time, a way that developed over time, over our development or evolution, was incorrect.  We interpret time as the 4th dimension.  We have three spatial dimensions and time;  combined you get an event with coordinates.  If you have a reference pt. you can \"measure\" distance from it using the three dimensions then use that fourth, time, to describe other interesting properties.  Movement requires time.  Thinking requires time.")
                                   .Entry("_Moving_ on, how do we think? (by the way, what the fuck is the pt?) I mean, right now I am thinking things.  I am teaching myself things.  That is what thinking is, isn't it? You are, to be vulgar, larning yourself something.  It is just like having a teacher teach me that thinking is teaching yourself something, except I just thought of it.  How do I think of it?  I didn't know it (or did I?) before I started thinking tonight, yet now I do. (just like...) can we ever teach ourselves anything.  Is everything we learn just an extrapolation of data.  For instance Galileo.  He had data and interpretted it.  Copernicus.  Heliocentric universe.  Had data interpretted it.  Interpretted it how?  He had A, B, C... and linked them together. thus learning for himself that our universe (in fact solar system, until 'X' teaches himself and consequently us, otherwise) is heliocentric.")
                                   .Entry("Is it possible to learn anything from \"pure thought\"?")
                                   .Entry("Speech, linguistics, language... need them for thought?  can a baby discover that the solar system is heliocentric?")
                                   .Entry("No, first of all he needs many other advances, telescope, etc... or could he 'pure thought' up that the universe exists, that it formed somehow (big bang, plasma, ...) and that a solar system exists, that the sun should exist, that it is at the center.  Is it possible without observing to 'divine' up truth?  Can logic dictate the world?")
                                   .Entry("That I guess is the question.  Could I possibly, without any knowledge whatsoever, in a closed room discover everything, given time?  Even telescopes, though i would have no use for them in my dark (resourceless) room?")
                                   .Entry("GOOD NIGHT!")
                                   .Entry("Could I stop questioning things?")
                                   .Entry("Could I see my own death?")
                                   .Entry("One thing I feel pretty sure about is that if someone went insance, than they wouldn't know about it since time references would slip by, memory seems non-existtent, nothing to base things on, just one long _blank_ period until you come out of it and your body starts working right, mind...")
                          .Session("3/20/1999", null, PrivacyLevel.Public, true)
                                   .Entry("we will never be able to fill the hole (materialism) so we my-as-well stop trying.")
                                   .Entry("a good question: if we were able to download a person's thoughts (consciousness) into electronics, then this person died... was killed, but his double... thoughts downloaded still l ived... should the killer feel bad... did the man really die?")
                                   .Entry("Build a machine that allows us to live in user created worlds for as long as we want while little to no time passed in this universe... can experience anything... fantasy etc...")
                                   .Entry("is any break in consciousness... conscious thought death?  do i die when i sleep? if my consciousness is being transferred, not duplicated, and there is a break in my thought... then i exist in the machine and not in my brain... am i dead, did i die?  we are alive only through our memories.  do we remember existing?  then?")
                                   .Entry("3d computer... 3d computer architecture.  [drawing of sphere] sphere.")
                                   .Entry("to learn something, to create new kowledge you have to first create something... some statement then perform memory traces to see if any conclusions that particular statement assumes contradicts anything you can remember... know that it shouldn't.  this particular statement said above is new and so far contradicts nothing that i currently know about learning and discovery.")
                                   .Entry("similarity between conscious and conscience")
                                   .Entry("interestingly enough, it makes some people's inability to learn certain things quite understandbale if things they learned before are wrong.")
                                   .Entry("sometimes to teach people new 'correct' things we must reteach them things they already thought they knew, give them different memories to perform the memory traces against.")
                                   .Entry("What the hell am i thinking?")
                                   .Entry("Are our minds inextricably attached to our bodies?  A conscious transfer thus dictated by the link to our bodies?  Do we die by being separated from our body?  is our mind separate?  this all sounds quite stupid really.")
                                   .Entry("to exist is merely to remember existing and to forge ever onward through the dark mist of time, creating new memories.")
                                   .Entry("Problem of the duel consciousness: what if we were able to duplicate a person's consciousness somewhow.  One off them died, is he really dead?")
                                   .Entry("******************************************", PrivacyLevel.Private)
                                   .Entry("Can we have memories specific to days?  like my seventh bday, can i remember what else i did that day by having some sort of stimulus?  how would memory be organized if that were possible?")
                                   .Entry("society as we see/experience it is just an intermediary step, so that humans may build a foundation on which they can truly exist, as one with nature.  Darwinian really, Survival in mind here.  Evolution is complex, don't underestimate it.")
                                   .Entry("There are so many problems with the world today, society, that one could quite easily spend his whole life wanting to fix them all, working on one and accomplishing nothing.")
                                   .Entry("What is the origin of my free thinking?  why do i question things more than other people?  or do i?  do many other people, teens or not, look at their fingerprints... observe the majesty and wonder to the origins... the future of such an odd faculty?  am i really as different as i think i am?")
                                   .Entry("on the subject of education... if no better, substantially better alternative to the current method of education is found, one that inspires students to free thinking, or a majority of them might it be possible that we do not need to learn?  might that be for some of us, while the others 'play'?");