I’m increasingly realizing that the key (for me) is to keep trying to keep sight of who I am. I’ve known that for awhile, but I still I mostly forget to (like 90% of the time). I get distracted by things, responsibilities, happenings, habits. I tend to think the things I think without really wondering why I think them or what they really have to do with me. The real symptom being all the flittering and twittering about. But I was just thinking about how each of those things is itself an opportunity to reconnect with who I am. Each of those things of course says something about me. And in that way, they’re an invitation by myself to myself towards myself.
Let’s even take one of the annoying things, like craving for McDonald’s French Fries. This is just an example. I don’t actually crave them, although, I used to like two hamburgers (had to order cheeseburgers with no cheese or else I’d get cheeseburgers, but that’s a different commentary) with large fries and a large coke. Wow, unhealthy. Anyway. They are a tasty combo. That says things about me. It points to me.
So, let’s say I’m craving them. The most obvious thing it says is that I’m a person who’s had that combo before. I’m the kinda person who ate that sorta stuff (earliest memory of it is with my grandmother picking me up from kindergarten and getting a Happy Meal). You can’t crave something you ain’t had (not technically true but super-technically true). Another thing it says is that I’m hungry. Typically, at least around reflection #2 here I’m having reactions to these observations about my craving, or my craving is reacting to my observations, or some kind of psychodynamism is expressing itself.
And therein lies the key. The psychodynamism (as I’ve decided to call it for tonight) is in fact the expression of who I am (right then and there, a fragment of self). If I just pay attention to the states and also the differences between consecutive states, I’ll notice the shadow of the passing of hardened aspects of myself vying and winning their moment in the sun.
Then, since I’m reflecting on that, that reflection assumes center stage. But, as I said, some part of myself will usually either react to the reflections or arise of its own inner-timer dinging regardless of current events.
And so the key is to reflect on what this new thing’s got to do with myself. And what if nothing? What if I can’t think of anything? Well, hell, what does THAT say about myself? But really, just enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasts. Then, when something else comes up, if I want, I can reflect on the peace and quiet instead, and question if it isn’t better than that other thing anyway.
According to the algorithm, with increasing frequency, I will be centered on what each moment has to do with myself or, better yet, entering into metanalysis to step behind the curtain to actually make decisions about what would be best to come next (and I won’t have to reflect on why because why will have formed the intention in relation to my already in-awareness awareness).
This kind of self-remembrance extends beyond stories in words that we tell ourselves after the fact as if we were narrating ourselves to ourselves. It could start out that way, like training wheels, but eventually it should merge with a preverbal undercurrent that’s been continuous all along. And that’s the point: to be conscious of the undercurrent. That continuous consciousness already happens in short bursts for us all. Some of us can get in “the zone” for longer
dhyaning our object
so I ferment the desire the stay focused on the undercurrent of what is common between all the different moments of my experiencing this’n’that