I want to write about my own version of integrity, but that begins with my relation to other versions. For most of my life I’ve disliked the word integrity, and, in general, those who used it earnestly. It would be improper to say I hated the word, but it annoyed me. Why? First, and probably lastly, I was not able to relate to the characters that used the word. Some of these characters were on T.V., but others were real people I knew.

When I watch movies from the 30’s all the way through the 70’s, but even partially into the eighties, I am always struck by the unnaturalness of the actors. Without out a doubt, I can detect the slice of their actor persona along with the contours of the prevailing mores and even their relative strengths by the concessions set up and given, the emphases and blindspots. I’m probably wrong about it all but I get a pretty strong sense of a whole bunch of cultural stuff that is by no means even being intentionally communicated.

I mention that all because of two important aspects: actors and culture. Anyway, I want to get to my version, so I’ll finish up this thread. The “integrity” these actors spoke of were an extension and core aspect of a culture which was being replaced by my own. Not “mine” as some personal conquest, but a new culture that I was swept up in. It’s got aspects of the counter-cultures of a number of eras of modern western civilization. {TODO: Could write an entire post about this} Describing this culture is a task best left for another time. Suffice to say, it’s to me today’s Victorian age. Victorian++;

Now, to my kind of integrity. Whew, sigh of lightness. I realized my kind of integrity just last night, getting into the shower. I was extending my clasped hands over my head in {TODO: Yoga posture}. My shoulder hurt from the movement. I thought about why. It was because I moved my hands to the ceiling with my will. What’s wrong with that? I should have “talked” to my shoulder about it. And my elbow, too. My wrist might even have had a thing or two to say about it. Fingers chiming in!

What I mean is, the desire to push my hands towards the ceiling is going to be carried out by all sorts of muscles. What I consciously do to carry out my goal characterizes my union with the goal. If all I do is nebulously imagine my hands towards the ceiling and sort of “wing it”, that’s one way of being. But I could realize that pushing my hands upwards requires the coordination of, when you get right down to it, every muscle in my body, along with my skeleton, and my breath, and then, when you really get right down to it: me. Each motion does. Each moment, even. Each breath. Each thought.  Objectively speaking, and, increasingly, subjectively speaking, too.

What do I mean by “talk”? Pay attention. Emanate the goal.

Why “emanate goals” with my body when I can simply unconsciously “direct about”? Well, basically, because “emanating goals” is what you are unconsciously doing when you “direct about”.

The best way to communicate how to move your thumb I know of is: try and see your thumb moving. I can tell you how to open a door or do some manual task so long as I can take for granted that you know how to move your limbs. Instructions on how to put together the desk you just bought at walmart don’t include how to grasp screwdrivers and how to orient wood slabs upright or how to rotate your wrist or kneel.

Of course, all the trying to see your thumb move in the world isn’t going to help if you have sufficient nerve damage in that area. But, experientially, what I am saying, is that that situation translates into one in which the roadways for the conveyance of your “emanting goals” are damaged.

What does being conscious of your “emanating goals” have to do with integrity? Everything.  Perhaps what always bothered me about the concept of “integrity” as culture had it, was the notion of [simple] “internal consistency”.  My experience of self is very different.  While not fragmented, it is quite a bit more like an ecosystem with competing organisms balancing collectively, then some sort of linear logic.

I have found that to approach nonce “integrity” one has to kill parts of themself.  I guess my insight is that that’s only part of the ecosystem.  Deeper patterns spawn newer apparitions.  Those who are not conscious of this process and who believe they have wrenched subordination of all parts to one are case studies to me.  How deeply has their belief ossified their sensitivity to the human organism’s reality?  How deeply has my own?

How deeply do I pay attention to the parts of myself involved in each experience of mine and how conscious of my own emanating goals am I?

Finally, am I merely squandering my genetic inheritance by foregoing abstract “strategy” and concerning my neocortex with what is properly my motor cortex’s concern?  What do I gain by such amplification?

For one, I start distinguishing all sorts of phenomenon that are invisible to most (kaleidostealthily preconscious lenses).  Secondly, I notice that most useful insight happens at the edges of synthesis between external and internal conditions.  Maybe, by preemptively using of my neocortex to focus upon breath and movement I up the threshold of importance for syntheses emerging onto the shores of awareness.  Thirdly, this is a path towardish (a/my/the) ding an sich which axiomatically draws me.

A questing undercurrent of ____ that shapes its own differential equations.

2 thoughts on “integrity

  1. […] and continuous in the ease and depth of use (haha, a contradictory use to yesterdays post on “integrity“) Although, truthfully, I’m quite attached to C#, LINQ, WCF and SQL Server (MONO). […]

  2. […] easier for them if they encounter a consistent system (another apparent contradiction of my “integrity” post, and yet, really, it isn’t. I extol a consistency arrived at through […]

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